Merica.

This blog is my attempt at not going to sleep because it's not time yet. 

In other words, I just got back to America. 

No, not Tennessee just yet--I'm staying in LA tonight with Natalie because neither of us wanted to get home tomorrow morning and skip a second night of sleep.

Please excuse me if I end up using really poor English. 

This weekend was a blur of debriefing in Beijing in which we all (all the people in the Teaching Fellowship Program, that is) talked about our feelings but didn't actually feel anything because we were going through shock. 

It was in a nice hotel, there was a park, and I got to have Baskin Robbins in a waffle bowl (yay!). 

(Oh my WORD those pictures loaded quickly. Yeah land of fast internet!)

Anyway, we left China yesterday at 12:55 pm. We arrived in America on the same day, which is today, at an earlier time than we left. Trippy, I know.

I've eaten three breakfasts and two lunches and NO dinners in what has been essentially one day. I also watched Jack the Giant Slayer, Phineas and Ferb, and Cirque Du Soliel, along with beasting at Solitaire. I also read A Year of Biblical Womanhood (which was fantastic, by the way) and ate a lot of snacks. 

And I plastered my face to the window so I could see these sights: 

(that one was in Hong Kong)

I got stopped in Beijing security because of the jewelry in my carry-on and in Hong Kong security because of my tweezers (all of which they let me keep). And I think I confused the man at customs. 

Him: "This says you brought meat back with you...?"

Me: "Yeah. Chicken feet."

When we landed in LA, our whole group clapped and somehow I got "America the Beautiful" stuck in my head. 

After saying goodbye to all of our friends, Natalie and I went to the hotel and quickly started freaking out. 

We can drink the tap water??

We can put our toilet paper IN the toilet??

We can use our cell phones??

There's a coffee maker in here??

 

The man at Subway spoke English and referred to me as "Miss Love" after he rang up my card. The sky was so blue I didn't think it was real. There are Thai, Japanese, Chinese, and Mongolian restaurants here. A hobo followed us down the street, which we waited to cross until the sign told us we could. I was accosted by advertisements for donuts, cinnabons, and milkshakes. My stomach really hates life right now. 

As you can see, I'm processing and still slightly out of my mind. 

Tennessee tomorrow!

A Rainy Farewell

It was the morning of our last day in Taiyuan.

Surprisingly enough, it was also raining.  

The children were scheduled to be picked up by their parents beginning at 8:00, and we knew it was our last chance to see our babies.

Even though we’d stayed up til unholy hours the night before, Alex, Jenessa, and I dragged our half-dead carcasses out into the rain so that we could wave to our students as they drove/walked/cycled out of the gate.

We ended up helping our friends, the school guards, collect the students’ ID cards as they went out, which is usually the duty of the Chinese teachers. Because the guards love us, they saw that we were cold and gave us their shirts and hats to wear.

We were quite a sight.

My heart was blessed and I felt like I had more closure with my students.

I got to tell Ginger and Connor I loved them again.

I got to high-five Amy, Grace, and Daniel.

I got to hug Hellen.

And I got to hold my dear Fabio’s hand one more time.  

Miss Love, Bill, and Miss Alex

We even got a picture with the school’s grumpy grandpa who gives me about as many warm fuzzies as Ebenezer Scrooge.

The guards thought we were so funny that they even started speaking some English to the students as they left.

“Gooda marning!”

“How ah you?”

“I lofa you!”

“Can you dance?”

“Bye bye, see you!” 

Later, Gerry (our Foreign Affairs Official) told us that a maintenance person had seen us out there and commented on how touched they were that the foreign teachers would come out in the rain to say goodbye to their students.

My heart is full.

How was China?

 

When I get home, I expect to get this question from everyone I know:

“How was China?”

And here are some of my answers:

“Two can play this game. How was America?”

“I ate lots of rice.”

“I grew a lot.”

“It was really hot, then really cold, then really hot.”

“People spoke this weird language I didn’t get.”

“Two words: Squatty. Potty.”

“My hair got longer!”

“SMOGGAY.”

“The dogs were delicious.”

(I haven’t tried dog, stop freaking out.)

“The rice was delicious.”

*bursts into random tears*

“Crowded.”

“Beautiful.”

“Different.”

“If you really want to know, you should’ve read my blog.”

“Peace signs. Everywhere.”

“Mulan and I were besties.”

“When I do this, I look more Chinese!” *pulls both sides of eyes and squats*

“Sometimes it smelled like delicious, and sometimes it smelled like fart and pee.”

“Bedbugs.”

“SO. MANY. ADORABLE. CHILDREN.”

“Sketchy.”

“Diverse.”

“Noisy.”

“I got my picture taken so many times. It was like a dream come true.”

“I got really good at charades!”

“Mmmm. Rice. Rice pudding. Rice porridge. Rice cakes. Rice noodles. Ricey-ricey-ricey-rice.”

“Blondes really stand out there.”

*is staring at the clean sky so hard I don’t hear the question*

“Communal.”

“Welcoming.”

“Spicy.”

“I got called beautiful on an almost daily basis.”

“Too much rice will make you fat.”

“BLARGSNARGLEFEEEELINGSSSSSWAAAAAH”

“I went to China? How long was I gone?”

“I towered over most of my friends.”

“It was exactly like Narnia. You should go.”

“I forgot what cheese tastes like.”

“I can count to ten in Chinese! Wanna see???”

“RICE.”

And the answer that will probably end up coming out of my mouth:

“It was good.” 

Goodbyes

Here's are all the folks who are part of my goodbye list as I prepare to head home:

My babies.

My co-teachers.

Gerry, our FAO.

Everyone at Taiyuan Teens.

Everyone at our Foreign Fellowship.

Everyone at Zhong Bei. 

The shopkeepers across the street. 

The school guards. 

Friends doing this program in other parts of China.

My team.

That’s over 500 people...which is a lot of people.

I haven’t said bye to all of them yet, but I will in the next nine days.

Do you know how tiring goodbyes are?

I’m almost ready to jump on the plane and just yell “ADIOS!” out the window and be done with it.

That’s the thing about investing in a place—you have to say goodbye when you’re done.

Which I almost am. 

In the midst of all the excitement, sad sighs, last-minute shopping and packing, I realize

I did it. 

I didn't make it alone, the blessings that occurred this year were not of my doing, and now I'm looking at the finish line--which is also a starting line for what's next. 

5 days in Taiyuan, 2 days in Beijing, 1 day in LA, and then onto the green hills of Tennessee. 

Wow. 

Wow, wow, wow.

The Last Week of School

I haven't wanted to do this because it meant I would have to fully acknowledge that school is really over...but I guess I should write about what actually happened during the last week. 

Oy. 

My lessons looked like this: 

Lesson 1--give a presentation on my life, including a culture portion about the Smokies and a section on my passions and dreams. 

Lesson 2--let the kids make cards about their hopes and dreams (or, hopefully, ignore my instructions and just write a card for ME). 

I also taught the children my Chinese name, Ai Meili, which essentially means, "Love Beautiful". They thought it was hilarious/awesome and wrote it all over their cards to me:

艾美丽

No, I'm not narcissistic enough or smart enough to come up with that name for myself. My Chinese friends love me and gave it to me in January.

From day one, it was a flood of tears for them and me. They cried in class, I cried at home (and sometimes in the office after class--sorry, co-teachers!). I also gave the kids a picture of me to keep with a message on the back:

I wrote it 360 times. Talk about a hand cramp.

The week was pretty much one big blur of sad, with a few really memorable moments in it, from some of my beautiful babies.

Cassie, who, when asked what her dream was, exclaimed (in Chinese), "My dream is for Miss Love to be my foreign teacher forever!" before falling into her seat in tears. This was made more extraordinary by the fact that she is one of the quietest children in that class.

Connor, who had tears in his eyes most of the times that I saw him and made sure to kiss my hand and tell me he loved me almost every day.

Dylan, who ignored me on purpose all year up until the last month of school. Last week he sought out my attention in the hallway, wrote me a note, and, when I told him I loved him, mumbled back, "I love you, too."

Translation by Miss Love & Chinese co-teacher.

Lisa, who hugged me around the neck cried pitifully in my shoulder while I told her I loved her.

Tony, Alan, and Tate, who all got excited when they heard about Tennessee fried chicken.

Lance and Cooper, who both tried hard to be the biggest troublemakers in class all year, and who were both genuinely sad when I left.

Alyssa, who quietly sits in the back and doesn't have many friends, but made me the most beautiful card in the entire second grade.

And Fabio, who was at my side every time he saw me, who tried really hard not to cry during our last class but just couldn't hold it in all the way, who made silly faces to cover up his emotions, and who broke my heart the most.

Here are a few more of my favorite cards (out of the hundreds I received this week):

Esty and Miss Love being nurses. 

Justin and the crazy-haired foreigner, Ai Meili.

Tate wants to make a new holiday.

"I hope Miss Love becomes more and more beautiful!" 
Fabio's so ridiculous.

Tristan NEVER talked to me in or out of class, so I thought this was surprising.

He wants to be a...surgeon...

I have a new last name. 

Evan was also really quiet in class, but sometimes I could get him to smile. I'm just wondering where our clothes went here...

Mike cried so hard last week. My favorite part of this is "Your is I friends."

 Her name is Danna, not Danng, in case you were wondering.

I think Windy (not Wing, silly boy), wants to take me to Germany someday. I better keep in touch with this kid.

Thanks, Lance.

Apparently I'm the queen of America. Who knew. 

 I'm really interested in this kid's future. I think we have similar dreams.

Oh, Matthew.

Impact

How do you tie up a year of teaching second grade in China?

I’ve been asking myself this since the beginning of the semester.

How do you say goodbye like this?

I’m still pondering the question and I’ve already done it.

Finished.

Complete.

Done.

I don’t think I’ve realized yet that it actually happened--that it’s actually over.

How do you end relationships with hundreds of little children you love and adore, and who love and adore you, knowing that you’ll never see them again? Knowing that you’ll be in America, and they’ll be in China, and even if there were some way for you to keep in touch, you couldn’t  communicate effectively because you don’t speak the same language?

My heart hurts.

I think back to last year when I was unsure about coming to China, when I thought why on earth am I going to do this and HOW will I teach children who don’t speak my language?

That was when I didn’t understand the difference it would make.

Now I can’t imagine not doing this.

I’ve learned and grown from little people who communicated love to me through gestures, smiles, hugs, and high-fives. I lit candles and planted seeds in children I can’t even hold a 5-minute conversation with.

Some of them will forget me, some will remember me as a novelty, some will vaguely think back on the blonde lady who played games in class—but some will hold onto memories of Miss Love, the foreign teacher who hugged them, laughed with them, played with them on the playground, and told them she loved them. They will remember kindness and love. And some—maybe even just a handful—will remember her mentioning the most important thing in her life when she taught about her life in America—something that might’ve been what made her so very different from other people they knew (apart from her blonde hair and big eyes).

I don’t know what they’ll remember, and I may never know what the impact of this year was, but I do know that our lives will never be the same for having known each other.

And I know, at least, that my heart looks different than it used to.

Saying goodbye to my babies was the hardest thing I’ve done since coming to China.

One day my heart will heal back up and be broken again by other students, and one day I won’t be able to put names with faces anymore—but I will remember the love that was shared with the precious babies I taught this year.

And some of them will remember it, too.

Little Red Balloons

It’s been a good year.

How do I know that?

Because I’ve been crying all week long.

I knew it was time for change. I could feel it in the summer heat and see it in my squirming students. I’m excited to go home and I feel that this chapter is ready for an end.

But that doesn’t make it any less sad.

And being sad doesn’t make it any less good.

I’d actually be more concerned if I felt nothing at all.

My students.

My beautiful babies.

Tied to my heart like little red balloons.

No matter how the wind blows, and even if they fly so high I never see them again, I will always hold the ends of their little red strings.

That’s a teacher’s heart.

Spending every year filling up little balloons, watching them grow, swelling with pride as they learn new lessons and become better people.

And then having to let them fly out in the wind, with only a string left clinging to your precious memories.

How will so many strings fit around my heart?

I sometimes wonder.

Then I remember that I did not make the human heart, and that the Father is constantly making mine grow so that more little lives can be wrapped around it.

It looks a lot like his heart, which has more strings tied around it than I could ever count.

And one of those strings is mine.

Children's Day

The great thing about China is that they celebrate the international holidays that America does not. 

For example: Children's Day (June 1st).

Which is what we celebrated all last week. 

Each of our school's three sections had a bajillion performances Monday-Wednesday and then on Thursday they covered the walkway of the school with sidewalk chalk. On Friday, after a week of hardly any real school, Miss Love's classes watched Mickey Mouse cartoons because she knew the kids wouldn't be coerced into doing anything useful. 

The foreign teachers had to perform a dance for each section's English performance, and some of us also performed with our classes...meaning that I sang "It's a Small World", "One Little, Two Little, Three Little Indians", "Days of the Week", and "Louie, Louie, Louie, How Are You?" on stage for all to see.

It turned out to be the highlight of my week however, because my co-teacher felt so bad for asking me to help her with her performances that she asked Fabio to sing with me because she knows I adore him. 

Neither of us had practiced with the group on stage, but it turned out ok. 

I'm not sure which of us was more excited about performing with the other.

(probably me)