Hope

Today. 

Today was one of those days that made me stop in my tracks.

Today, a boy I know decided to take his life. I can't speak for his heart. I can't say exactly why he did it. But I do know this: when people decide that life is no longer worth living, they have lost Hope. 

Hope. 

That's what keeps us going. A basic need that drives us. We Hope for something better, something secure. Here, Hope is like fog after a rainstorm. Some grasp at it in frustration, seeking to capture it, keep it, make it something better. Some give up and lose the will to keep chasing it, choosing to give into darkness rather than living in a fog. And a few choose to dwell in it, knowing that it's a shadow of the Water of Life, and that one day it will melt away into something new, clear, and more beautiful than before. 

Hope. 

Tonight my heart broke over those who have no Hope. That's because my Father's heart breaks for those without Hope, and our hearts are forever joined together so that mine reflects His. 

Hope. 

It's all I live for and all that's worth it in the end. Without it, I would lose purpose. This love from my Father-- this never-stopping, never-giving-up love -- gives me Hope for a future spent basking in His love to the FULLEST. 

HOPE. 

It's the reason that I follow my Father the way I do, Hoping that He will use me SOMEHOW to spread the love that He's filled my heart with, a love that keeps me from becoming weary and bogged down in the mire of Hopelessness that fills the world. A Hopelessness that crushes many in its wake.

Hope. 

A rainbow is coming. Those who will wait patiently, enduring the fog by clinging to the love and promise of the Father, will see it when it comes. I beg my Father that when it does come, I'll be holding more hands than I can count as my heart overflows with Hope fulfilled.

Not Your Typical Grad

So the other day I did this thing: 

 I got a sheet of paper that says I'm really smart and qualified to do anything (that may be a stretch). Lots of people came, including my family. And it was really fun.

How do I feel about it now? 

It's kind of weird telling people "I graduated with a degree in bladeeblabla...." and finding a way to do that without sounding like I know everything (which is obviously not the case). 

Life in the last few days has been a blur of unpacking (RIDICULOUSLY DIFFICULT when I'm unorganized and my sister has taken over every inch of free space) and starting my summer gig at The Marble Slab Creamery. 

Yeah, I know. THEIR ICE CREAM IS AWESOME.

Today was my second day there, and I was asked a very interesting question by somebody I work with. 

Why do you need to go teach Chinese kids? Why can't you just teach American children?

Well, I guess that was two questions. 

But the truth is that I really didn't know how to answer him right then and there (especially in the midst of mixing up some strawberries n' creme). Why AM I going to go teach Chinese kids? There are PLENTY of needy children here in the states who would do well with a dose of love from Miss Love. 

Because I was on the spot I came up with a lamesauce answer about how it'll be neat to go teach little Chinese kiddos (then I put the strawberries n' creme in a bowl and rang up a satisfied customer).

That's not the real answer, though. I had to think about later, after I left. 

The real answer is more along the lines of 

'Cuz The Father told me to.

And the reason he picked ME to go at THIS TIME will be revealed as I go along His Call has already changed my heart and is working on the hearts of people around me and I haven't even gotten on the plane yet. COOL. 

YES. Teaching in the US next would bring me more security, more money (like, I'd get paid instead of having to raise support), I'd be closer to family, I'd be in my own culture, I'd be more likely to get a boyfriend, I'd start climbing the career ladder, I'd be more likely to find success, la-dee-da. It would be easier. But this Call, right now, is what my Father is asking of me. And what could bring me more joy than to follow it?

See that girl in the middle? She's just oozing with awesome.

Climb, Climb Up Paaa-per Mountain, Heavenly Breezes Bloooow....

Paperwork. An area of life in which I have not been particularly blessed (probably not a good thing for a future teacher). In this whole process of going to China I have not been quite up to par in the ORGANIZED department, which has not put the odds in my favor. To all future employers--never hire me to be your secretary because I will save all your two-item grocery lists and throw the important papers into the shredder so I can play with the leftover confetti. 

Last week, I finally sent in my big China paperwork (which had to be expensively over-nighted because it was somehow all left to the END). 

But let's take it easy on the student teacher, here. It was a lot of paperwork. How much? Another student in the program described it this way: 

I am flying across the ocean (passport, health records {with doctors appointments}) to live (insurance) and work in another country for a year (Visa, CV, college transcript, recommendation letters, tax forms) teaching students (background check, TEFL training/certificate, teaching proficiency exam) with a non-profit organization (support raising) in hopes of spreading His joy and love (quiet time, studying the word). 

Try to do that AND figure out teaching in an urban school kindergarten classroom for the first time, whydontcha? (and for THOSE interesting adventures, please click here.)

After hiking Paper Mountain, I was given two seconds to breathe before receiving China books in the mail. 

Now, I have this fantasy that if I don't research anything about China, I'll get there and everything will be as exciting and easy as I daydream it will be (exhibit A: I would be much more at ease if I still thought their toilets looked like ours). 

FALSE.

This:

Soon turned into this: 

And I'm thinking I may try again after graduation (two weeks from today. HOLY MOLY MOTHER OF PEARL). 

Let's hope that my sense of organization soon overrides my need for brain-breaks in the midst of finishing college so that maybe I'll actually get all of my support letters out before I try to board a plane to China without a ticket. 

Squat Practice

In the last few weeks since I signed a year of my life away to a country I've never been to before, I've been struggling with some mountains and valleys--worries about my life before- and in-country. With you, my readers, I will share two.

1. The Potty Squat
Yes, friends, instead of doing Chinese language study or brushing up my knowledge of culture, I have been researching something else.

Public toilets. 

Not something bad, but something I need to be informed about. Here is an example of a picture I found:

Along with lots of pictures of public restroom stalls with no doors. This, of course, left me panicked about how my squatting skills would be judged by fellow potty-ers. So I watched an informative video on the Asian squat: 

The long and short of it is that, once your tendons are used to it, squatting with heels on the ground is FAR more sustainable over...say...a longer period of time. SO. I have been practicing. And my sessions look like this: 

I think my skills will get better with practice. 

2. Trusting my Father

Have I ever gone a day without food? Without clothing? Without someone to provide the few extra cents I need for a caramel brulee latte if I REALLY have to have it (and it's in season)? 

NO.

But here I am, sitting with a Calling in my lap and about ten dollars in my wallet, looking at the sky with furrowed brows and saying, "Can I really raise enough to do this?" 

NO.

I can't. But my Father can. He could whistle and BOOM all $16,000 needed would fall onto my head. And whyyy doesn't He just do that (the question many people in my situation face)??? Because He wants to develop something I need in order to be strong enough to do what I've been Called to do: trust. 

Trust means not running over possible figures in my again and again. Trust means listening to His words instead of babbling about my worries. Trust means sticking with the path I've been put on. Trust means having the humility to lean on others He will bring alongside me in this Call. 

And much like facing the future unknown public restrooms, it's a scary thing. 

The Beginning.

Let me tell you a story. 

Once upon a time, I spent a hot, rainy summer in Pigeon Forge. During this particular summer I was working at Splash Country and participating in a program called Discipleship Focus, growing closer to the Father with a group of other college students who were about the same age as I was. 

But I wanted more.

Each summer, thousands of foreign students come through Pigeon Forge to work and practice their English. My hope, that particular summer, was to build relationships with some of these students. But HOW would I do this while working and spending my free time at Discipleship Focus? 

This is the part where the Father did things I couldn't.

On one particular day that I happened to have off, I was told to go visit my friend Ladda, a Thai woman who was part of a program that worked with the foreign students. When I arrived, she just happened to be visiting with some Chinese girls who worked at Splash Country. 

Hmmmmm.

On that day, the Father put irreversible events in motion. He established relationships with those girls that would last through the summer and beyond. I would just happen to see them at work and they would just happen to be at Ladda's house whenever I came to visit after that. We went to shows together, played around in Gatlinburg, and even had a night of Chinese food in their hotel room. Most importantly, I saw the Father at work and felt a new tug at my heart that had not been there before. These girls were educated, intelligent, and full of smiles. What were they missing? 

Hope. 

The Hope that tells you that you are more than a number with a face. The Hope that tells you that you will always be loved, no matter how well you perform. The Hope that assures you of Life after this one is over. The Hope that makes a SMILE full. 

At the end of the summer, my girls--my Chinese sisters--left to return to their Chinese home. My heart broke into pieces for them. 

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART IS????

The Father was at work.

Since then, two of the girls have found Hope and are my true sisters for all of eternity. My brokenhearted tears for them have turned to tears of joy over this revelation. 

And now He is sending me.

As they were sent here, I am now being sent to their home--China. Little did I know that my relationships with them would cause a whisper of Hope to be turned into a Call I am now being sent to fulfill. 

So, friends, this is not the end. It is only 

The Beginning.

(Little did I know how prophetic the picture would be. You know, other than the restaurant part.)