Desperately Dependent

It's easy to think that people in my position have an easy time connecting with the Father. 

Why?

I followed Him to a place that's hard. 

I have to depend on Him in another culture. 

I'm concerned about His work in others' hearts. 

I'm surrounded by a team that has the same goals as I do and I receive encouragement from back home more often than a lot of people do stateside.

In fact, if I weren't me and I read my newsletters and put them on my fridge, it might not be hard to imagine myself with a halo around my head, living the life of adventure, and battering down the gates of glory. 

But it's not that way. 

It can actually be really hard to hear Him over car horns, banging construction, and language I don't understand. It's hard to see Him in dust, concrete, and smog. It's hard to feel His presence when all I really want to feel is a hot shower and clean air. Before I knew it, He was distant and I couldn't understand why. 

Over the last few weeks of travel--and now our Annual Thailand Conference--I've recognized the void.  And I spent some time scrambling around, trying to figure out what to do with it, how to reconnect and be revitalized. 

I tried praise, thankfulness, journaling, reading about Him, spending time alone--and all those things are good. But I realized that what I really needed was for Him to be my dad. I needed to ask Him to love and affirm me in a way that all my growth, accomplishments, and gifts will not. Not that He wouldn't love me if I hadn't asked for it. But He wanted me to see how desperately dependent I am on Him so that I could feel His love more fully. 

It's amazing how often we have to relearn these lessons.