Squatty 101

How to use the school trench squatty potty with no doors:

Step 1: Scope out the situation. Are first graders coming in and out of the bathroom? If the answer is yes, turn around and hold your horses just a little longer. It's not worth it.

Step 2: If the bathroom is empty, cautiously close the door behind you that separates the bathroom from the hallway and pray nobody notices.

Step 3: Climb the steps to the first stall because people coming in can't see into it from an angle. Maybe. Or that's what you're telling yourself. 

Step 4: STRADDLE THE TRENCH. 

Step 5: Hitch the bottom half of your pants up so they don't brush against the wet pee-covered floor. 

Step 5 1/2: SQUAT. 

(When squatting, it is important to make sure that you're scooched up against the back of the stall with your blonde head behind the partial-wall. That way if a first grader does walk in, they might think you're a Chinese teacher and may not come stare at you. Maybe.) 

Step 6: Do what you came here to do. Don't hit your fancy shoes. Don't look at the first graders' leftovers sitting in the trench below you. Don't look at the opened-up ceiling above your head. Don't look at the dripping pipe in front of your face. Just concentrate on your shoes and GO GO GO. 

Step 7: Get out the toilet paper you brought with you and don't forget to put it in the wastebasket next to you along with everyone else's used toilet paper. 

Step 8: Thank goodness nobody came in, hitch your pants up, run your hands under the cold faucet, and high-tail it out of there.

Step 9: Give yourself a high-five. YOU, my friend, have skills.