A Few Special Places in my Heart.

The school officially announced that next week is our last week of teaching. 

Which means...next week is goodbye-to-my-babies-week.

And I remember a year ago, when I was lifting them up, asking that my heart would be ready for them and that their hearts would be ready for me. 

I didn't know how it would play out and how many little bonds I would make. 

I also didn't know that I would have some specials bonds with a few particular students, either. 

These are a few of the students it will be hardest to say goodbye to.

Angel

I had Angel's class last term, but I see them out on the playground at least once a week and they still scream “MEES LOVVVVVEE!!!” when I get near. When this happens, Angel is always one of the first to latch onto my hand...and she doesn't let go. She tries her hardest to communicate with me and we tell each other, "I love you!" I met her new Chinese English teacher this semester and one of the first things she said was, “Oh, you are Miss Love! A student has told me about you. She loves you. You are a good teacher.”

Lisa

Lisa is also in Angel’s class. Lisa comes across as shy and sweet, but she's also very smart and loves to play. One day I was reading outside when I suddenly heard her yelling "MEES LOVE!" and, before I knew it, she was in my lap.

Jacob and Connor

These boys are both in Class 5, which I have again this semester. Jacob can’t say anything in English except “How are you?” but he will say it over and over because he likes to talk to me. He also likes to wrap himself around my leg in the hallway until I have to pry him off. Connor calls me Mommy and is so cute I can hardly stand it.

Daniel

This boy can make my day brighter just by looking at me. His sweet smile, the grubby hands he wants to high-five me with, the way he sits up straight in class and glows at me…I can’t get over it. He’s. So. Cute.

"Mees Love. Today is Tuesday. Yes or no?"
"Yes, Daniel. Great job."

Amy

Amy is a child full of sweet adoration. She likes to give me kisses and hugs in the hallway, but not in an “I-NEED-ATTENTION-RIGHT-NOW” sort of way.
She's going to be really awesome when she grows up.

Breezy

Breezy is the smartest girl (...or at least, most verbal) in her English class and one of the few who can ask me more than two questions at a time. Her smile is wide and she loves to show it off to me. One day I asked, “What can you see?” She started jumping up and down and squealed, “I can see a Mees Love!”

Jason

This boy tries so so so hard to communicate with me. He uses sign language, mouths words in Chinese, and even draws pictures—but he usually doesn’t actually speak Chinese because he’s one of the few who understands that I don’t speak it. One day he taught me the Chinese words for “I listen” and “bicycle” by using English words he knew. He’s full of imagination and I often find him playing in his own little world as he walks to class or sits in his desk.

Fabio

Everyone already knows that Fabio holds the dearest place in my heart. I don’t know how I’m going to leave this kid. His quiet ways, his hilarious mannerisms, his love of hugs, and his desire to be close to me and capture my attention without being obnoxious. We don’t talk to each other—and we don’t have to.

There are going to be tears when I part with this child.

I love all of my students and I notice many of their little idiosyncrasies and the qualities that make them unique. But these are a few of the students who will be the hardest to say goodbye to.

 Amazing how much love can be communicated without being able to communicate.

The Transition.

Last night I had a really awful, vivid dream. You know, the kind that make you feel depressed and weird for a good two hours afterward.

No, I didn’t dream about Godzilla or zombies.

I dreamed about going home.

In my dream, it was the morning after I’d landed back in America. I was trying to get reoriented to my surroundings and suddenly all these people were there. Friends were pressing in my face, giving me cards and hugs and babbling about how much they missed me…and the only thought running through my head was Get Me Out. I kept trying to tell people about China, and nobody would listen. I woke up in a panic.

I guess, with only 28 days left in China, my subconscious is a little more worried than I thought.

I want to see everyone again. I want to eat American food that I missed. I want to sleep in a soft bed, go places, and listen to what’s happened in everyone’s lives. But I also know that I won’t be able to easily do all those things the day after I get back.

Just put yourself in my shoes. For almost a year, I haven’t had

An electric stove,

A smartphone,

A bathtub,

A soft bed,

A car,

Regular ice cream,

Or nature out my back door.

...all of which I got used to. Now I have to get used to not having:

A gas stove,

Chinese food,

Cheap taxis,

Hilarious Chinglish things everywhere,

Easy produce across the street,

A short walk to my job,

Or 

EVERYTHING ELSE IN CHINA.

I'm not used to being surrounded by English or having the ability to understand what's going on around me (which can actually be less stressful than understanding everything, because once you let go it gives you a lot less to think about). I'm also not used to having conversations with lots of people in a day because the only people I talk to are my co-teachers and teammates.  

Will I get angry when people complain about things I didn't even have access to for a year?

Will I get overwhelmed when fifteen people ask me about China in the same day?

Will I get frustrated when they don't actually want to hear about it?

Will I enjoy the things I used to?

I've daydreamed about hugging my family a million times this year. I've wanted to be able to text my friends and be part of a Fellowship again. I've imagined stepping off of the plane and seeing a whole crowd of people I love waiting for me at the airport--and I'm still excited about all those things. 

But forgive me if at times I feel the need to shut myself away for a while. 

To sit with my toes in the grass...and just think about the grass. 

To drive around alone because a car is a wonderous thing. 

To cry because something reminded me of one of my students.

To not eat something because my stomach isn't used to American food yet.

 Then, of course, at the same time that I'm re-acclimating, I will be figuring out where to work next (as I already have been these last few months), where to live, what to drive, etcetera, etcetera, ETCETERA.

I trust that I will be taken care of, just as I was during the many transitions over the last year. 

It's just that....hmmm.

I'm excited, nervous, thoughtful, and sad about my next period of transition. And I'm interested to see what happens when I travel to the land of the once-familiar-but-not-anymore.

Wutaishan

One of the benefits of having an awesome Foreign Affairs Official who loves you is that he uses school funds to take you on a trip at the end of the year.

What’s a Foreign Affairs Official? you may be wondering.

Meet Gerry, our school's FAO. He is responsible for getting all of our necessary paperwork together for the school, giving us messages from the school, and taking care of our needs.

He’s also a Brother and he’s absolutely hilarious.

Two weekends ago he took us to Wutaishan ("woo-tie-shan"), a famous mountain range and the well-known site of many Buddhist temples.

It started out that Saturday morning at 5:50 as we rolled out of Taiyuan with a Chinese tour group. Thankfully, Gerry provided each of us with a loaf of fruit bread for breakfast.

We got there in time for a deeeelicious lunch and checked into our hotel (well, a sort-of hotel).

Then we visited some temples.

In case I hadn’t already explained this, whenever you (a white foreigner, that is) visit a famous Chinese site, expect to get your picture taken with random Chinese people who will later put it online for all their friends to see, with the caption: “Wa say! Look at the foreigner I met! I’m so cool!”

Exhibit A:

That evening Gerry took us for a walk through a park and we saw random camel.

And a really awesome gate. 

That night we had a thunderstorm—which is something we almost never get in Taiyuan—and we were ecstatic.

And the next morning we got kicked out of our hotel at 7:30 am because they needed room for people who were checking in.

Rude.

So we visited one more temple and climbed a mountain.

It was very windy at the top and I got all sorts of dust and nasty in my teeth and hair.

(these are prayers printed on fabric and strung up EVERYWHERE)

One sunburn later, we were back on the bus headed to Taiyuan, exhausted and overheated.

A hiatus to nature, an eye-opener, and a cultural experience.

It was a fabulous weekend. 

To the Laura of Last July.

Here is Laura of ten months ago, on the cusp of heading to China: 

Yeah, the one failing at making Chinese food in her American kitchen. 

Inside, she's a mess of emotions, not knowing what on earth to expect out of the next year of her life.
And here's what I would tell her:

Stop freaking out. China will not kill you. Seriously. You’re going to be fine.

Chinese food really is delicious. Just keep eating it—you’ll see.

You’re allowed to be silly with your students. Encouraged, actually. Play with them on the playground. Be ridiculous and entertaining in class. Give more hugs than you can count. Treasure your silly times with them.They will remember those moments better than anything you teach them.

Come up with some fun cues to use in class. They don't have to make sense, but they should sound positive. There’s nothing worse than yelling or clapping to get 36 Chinese kids’ attention.

Buy new curtains. A year is a long time to have crappy curtains and not feel like your home is home.

You’ll live without chocolate chips.

Maybe. 

On second thought, pack a few bags. 

Bring a nice camera. 

Give relationships time. You don’t have to be close to your co-teachers two weeks in. You’ll be surprised at the end of the year.

Things will change quickly. This is the Father’s plan and is better than everything staying the way it was, though you may not see that at first.

Overnight trains are not the worst things ever invented. Don't worry about using them to travel around China.

You’ll get used to squatties and may even come to like them.

Make learning Chinese part of your daily routine. You may think you’ll pick it up the way you do other languages, but you won’t. You’ll regret later that you didn’t study it harder.

It’s ok to be tired and moody for the first few months. Don’t let it get you down—press on. You’re laying a foundation that will be built upon during the bright, happier days of Spring.

Buy more plants. Keep them in your room. Pretend you live in a forest. One plant is not enough.

Appreciate that Taiyuan has hardly any bugs.

Maan Coffee will appear in your future and you will love that place.

Taiyuan Teens is worth the energy you spend on it. Spend that energy. Don’t freak out when they ask you to help out with camp. You’ll be more blessed by them than they will be by you.

For goodness sakes, bring more than two pairs of teaching pants with you. Chinese people don’t wear pants that will fit your American behind and you won’t be able to buy more pants in China.

The same goes for shoes, leggings, and underwear.

Yeesh.

Bao bao zhou. Get it, eat it.

You will find yourself again. Don’t worry.

You are going to love Christmas. Stop being sad about it.

You’re not going to date anyone you meet in China. SORRY.

Laughter will solve a lot of your problems.

You have been chosen to go to China, and you will be taken care of while you're there. If that weren't the case, you wouldn't have even gotten this far. 

YOU ARE A DIVA AND YOU ARE STRONG.

You will not LOVE China, but China will wiggle its way down inside of you, and you will be better for it.

Laura and the Chinese Taffy Machine.

 

Who am I in China?

During our training in Beijing when we first got here, we were warned that in China we wouldn’t be quite the same.

It makes sense. You would expect that an experience like this would make you more mature, give you a broader view of the world, and cause you to change.

Something you don’t expect, however, is just how much being overseas changes you to the point where you aren’t quite sure who you are anymore.

In my college Sociology class, we learned that it’s impossible to describe yourself apart from the people and the things around you. So what happens when your entire environment changes and the people around you are all people you’ve never met before? What happens when you can’t access the things that used to bring you comfort?  YIKES.

Example: Once upon a time in America Wonderland, when I would get frustrated, I used to make chocolate chip cookies, go to a coffee shop, call a friend, or walk around the neighborhood to calm back down. Here, I don’t have chocolate chips, it’s a big hassle to go out to a coffee shop, I can’t call my friends unless I plan it several days in advance, and going for a walk is only good on the not-as-smoggy-or-freezing-or-sweltering days.

It wasn’t until mid-year that I finally felt like sort-of like “myself” again, and it wasn’t exactly the same self as it used to be. This different self needs more rest, likes Chinese food, enjoys cooking, drinks less coffee, thinks more deeply, experiences more frustration, and cherishes people differently. Her hair is longer and her face has changed.

Part of it’s growing up. Part of it’s culture shock. Part of it’s adopting a bit of China.

I will be returning home in less than six weeks, and now I’m really curious to see who I am—again. Who will I be after passing the initial weeks--months--of feeling completely overwhelmed, frustrated, joyful, and loved? When I won’t be around the people who were there every day as I grew in China? When I won’t have access to the things and people here who brought me comfort for the last year?

And will all the people at home expect me to be the same girl I was when I left?

I’m not whining, but these are some of the questions I'm pondering as I get ready to step back on the plane back to the place I came from.

So excited.

So scared.

And so curious. 

I've spent my entire life changing, and I expect that I will continue to do so. 

But this year was like being stuck in a taffy machine, getting stretched so much I don't even remember exactly what I looked like when I started. And it wasn't just one part of me that grew--my inner core has been molded, twisted, and shaped this year in ways that I wasn't expecting.

They say one year of growth here is like three years of growth back in the states.

I'd believe it.

And it's not over yet.

Queen Laura

I love Wednesday mornings.

 Let me tell you why.

Every day the kids get a dance break at 9:30. All of them go outside to the track for half an hour and do upbeat dances to songs like Gangnam Style.

It’s one of the reasons why I love my school.

On Wednesday mornings I have a meeting with Susie, my team leader, which means I end up walking to school at dance break time.

And as the students file out of their buildings to go dance, this AWESOME here-comes-the-emperor music comes on over the loudspeakers (maybe it’s the national anthem. I don’t know. There are trumpets and drums and other important-sounding instruments.)

Now, I want you to picture this in your mind:

Miss Love is walking across the empty basketball courts.

Suddenly, this regal music comes on.

A smile creeps over her face and she begins to strut.

And she struts and smiles like a blissful fool all the way down the basketball courts until the song is over.

Why am I smiling? Because my thoughts look like this:

Here comes the powerful empress! Bow to the queen!

All my students shall love and adore me. They shall bear me to class on a litter and kiss my hand in reverence!

Honor the mighty Miss Love!

Strut, strut, strut!

Get me a scepter. Queen Laura has arrived. 

The Necklace

This week was awesome.

I don’t know if it was the long break last week, the great weather, or the fact that half of my classes have been taking a test and then watching Mickey Mouse cartoons.

Or maybe it’s that I only have five more school weeks left with my babies, and that makes me all the more anxious to give them quality attention.

But something happened this week that made me sad.

As I was giving tests, I noticed that one of my students, Ross, was wearing a Buddha necklace. 

Yes, I know it was just a necklace and that it was probably just something his parents had him wear for good luck. But it was a reminder to me—a reminder of where I am, what my students are surrounded by, and the sad fact that there are many of them I will probably never ever see again.

Ross is a chipper ray of sunshine and I can’t even picture his face in my mind without a smile on it. The kid literally smiles ALL the time.

Where is his China smile going to go someday? Maybe he’ll grow up, live a successful life, have a wife and child, and then…well, and then what?

I can’t tie strings around him and pull him with me when I finally go HOME.

I can’t save him, or any of my precious students.

This used to just give me a sad sigh, but now that I really, truly love my students, I found myself having to swallow a lump in my throat as I thought about it in class.

I trust that I will see some of my students again one day--at Home--but it will most likely only be a few and I don’t know which ones.

What will happen to silly Carson, crazy Monica, helpful Lisa, funny Jonah, sweet Amy, loving Angel, smart Micah, ridiculous Tate, and darling Fabio?

I can pour love on them in buckets, I can give them attention and stickers, I can help them with their English, I can teach them about Christmas and Easter, but I can’t give them the thing I long most for them to have.

It’s always pricked my heart when I people I love don’t know the Father, but I’ve never known hundreds of them all at once.

I’m sure it’s not the last time I’ll feel pain over the possible futures of people I love. Sometimes it feels like the Father’s pulling a How the Grinch Stole Christmas on me.

And her heart grew three sizes that day.

(or three hundred)

And this is Ross.

This is literally the least I've ever seen him smiling. 

The kid's adorable.