The Transition.

Last night I had a really awful, vivid dream. You know, the kind that make you feel depressed and weird for a good two hours afterward.

No, I didn’t dream about Godzilla or zombies.

I dreamed about going home.

In my dream, it was the morning after I’d landed back in America. I was trying to get reoriented to my surroundings and suddenly all these people were there. Friends were pressing in my face, giving me cards and hugs and babbling about how much they missed me…and the only thought running through my head was Get Me Out. I kept trying to tell people about China, and nobody would listen. I woke up in a panic.

I guess, with only 28 days left in China, my subconscious is a little more worried than I thought.

I want to see everyone again. I want to eat American food that I missed. I want to sleep in a soft bed, go places, and listen to what’s happened in everyone’s lives. But I also know that I won’t be able to easily do all those things the day after I get back.

Just put yourself in my shoes. For almost a year, I haven’t had

An electric stove,

A smartphone,

A bathtub,

A soft bed,

A car,

Regular ice cream,

Or nature out my back door.

...all of which I got used to. Now I have to get used to not having:

A gas stove,

Chinese food,

Cheap taxis,

Hilarious Chinglish things everywhere,

Easy produce across the street,

A short walk to my job,

Or 

EVERYTHING ELSE IN CHINA.

I'm not used to being surrounded by English or having the ability to understand what's going on around me (which can actually be less stressful than understanding everything, because once you let go it gives you a lot less to think about). I'm also not used to having conversations with lots of people in a day because the only people I talk to are my co-teachers and teammates.  

Will I get angry when people complain about things I didn't even have access to for a year?

Will I get overwhelmed when fifteen people ask me about China in the same day?

Will I get frustrated when they don't actually want to hear about it?

Will I enjoy the things I used to?

I've daydreamed about hugging my family a million times this year. I've wanted to be able to text my friends and be part of a Fellowship again. I've imagined stepping off of the plane and seeing a whole crowd of people I love waiting for me at the airport--and I'm still excited about all those things. 

But forgive me if at times I feel the need to shut myself away for a while. 

To sit with my toes in the grass...and just think about the grass. 

To drive around alone because a car is a wonderous thing. 

To cry because something reminded me of one of my students.

To not eat something because my stomach isn't used to American food yet.

 Then, of course, at the same time that I'm re-acclimating, I will be figuring out where to work next (as I already have been these last few months), where to live, what to drive, etcetera, etcetera, ETCETERA.

I trust that I will be taken care of, just as I was during the many transitions over the last year. 

It's just that....hmmm.

I'm excited, nervous, thoughtful, and sad about my next period of transition. And I'm interested to see what happens when I travel to the land of the once-familiar-but-not-anymore.