Mood Swings

ILEAVEINSIXDAYSANDTHATSCOMINGSOONANDIMREALLYEXCITEDANDIHATEPACKINGANDPLANNINGANDSHOPPINGANDSAYINGBYETOALLMYFRIENDS. 

I'll give you a minute to decode that message which describes some of my feelings right now. 

MOOD SWINGS. 

I'm having them a lot more often. 

One minute I'M REALLY RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED and the next minute I'm REALLY RIDICULOUSLY FREAKED OUT and I'm doing my best to focus on REALLY RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED because focusing on the latter makes me REALLY REALLY RIDICULOUSLY FREAKED OUT. 

In other words, I should just journal and process my feelings like a good single female my age. 

At this point it's really easy to get caught up in getting really ridiculously emotional about saying goodbye and wanting to cling to everything until my fingernails bleed. For example, I want to cling to my beautiful mountains, my comfortable bed, and  the convenience of driving myself around...not to mention all the big comforts of knowing my way around and the people around me. I'd rather mope about the things I'll miss than think about the excitement of being in China. 

It's not helpful or productive.

Of course, neither is blogging or sitting around on my bed (the only oasis in what I am about to call my new theme park, Tornado Land) hoping that somebody else will throw all this stuff together in a suitcase for me (I tried it. My dog's lack of opposable thumbs makes it difficult for her to do anything but sit on top of the mess). 

In less than a week, I will be boarding four different planes on which I will sit for over twenty hours. After that I will spend all of my time with people I've just met in a place I've never been. I will have to eat things my stomach is not familiar with, sleep on a bed that was not made for my mama hips, listen to a language I never wanted to learn before, and do schoolwork for a certificate I was not interested in getting before getting accepted into this program. 

After that I will live in a city instead of mountains among people who will stare at me. People who will look different than me, sound different than me, and believe in something different than I do. People I will meet and establish relationships with. Who I will dine with, shop with, laugh with, and teach with. People I am already excited about loving. 

Do you understand my mood swings now????

My Father has promised to provide for me. He has thus far--in about a month's time I went from 20% funded to roundabouts 80% funded (ARE YOU SERIOUS THAT'S AMAZING!!!) (YEAH, I'M SERIOUS IT'S AMAZING!!!) (WHY I AM YELLING WITH MYSELF???). 

And while it's hard to say goodbye, I realize that I'd rather go through painful change than sit in the 

same place and never grow into what I was made to be. 

Like this guy.

Or not. 

My dear Chinese sister made us Chinese food last night. OF COURSE I want to meet more beautiful people like her!

Everyone's An Expert.

Me: "I'm going to China for a year to teach English." 

Everybody else:

"Do you speak Chinese?"

"Oh! Konichiwa!"

"They eat dogs there."

"How will you teach Chinese kids if you can't speak their language?"

"Can you do karate?" 

"They eat cats there." 

"Are you good with chopsticks?"

"Watch out for the fried scorpions!" 

"My cousin's friend's aunt's sister's acquaintance's brother went there once!"

"You'll be like, fifty feet tall!" 

"My cousin's friend's aunt's sister's acquaintance's brother's wife met her husband there!" 

"What? Are you going to marry a Chinese man?"

"You can buy real made in China stuff!" 

"My cousin's friend's aunt's sister's acquaintance's brother's wife's in-laws adopted a baby from Asia once!" 

"You can get really cheap purses there." 

"Why are you going there if you can't speak Chinese?" 

"I have a friend who came over as a foreign exchange student from Korea." 

"Oh, where will you be living?" *I tell them* "Ohhh...." *blank stare*

"I guess you must like rice." 

"Don't they poop in a hole?" 

*laughs and pulls corners of eyes to make them look slanty* *makes Asian joke*

"Seriously. You don't know any Chinese?" 

"I can speak Chinese! Sum Ting Wong Wit Yu! HAHAHAHAHA!"

Yikes.

He's Big.

This week the Father communicated something to me. 

He's Big.

Yeah, I know. We all forget that sometimes, which is why He makes us weak in some areas--especially when we're nervous and maybe leaving the country or something. 

Now, onto my weakness. First, in case you haven't picked up on this yet, I struggle with anxiety. The moment something is wrong with my body, my normal reaction is OHMYMOSESIHAVEAFLESHEATINGCANCERDISEASE. 

I think some of you can relate. 

So, over the last couple weeks my legs have had these weird, crazy pains and my immediate thought is that I'm going to die by age 22 and not get to go to China. I told the Father how I felt and He said, "I'm big, don't worry. I have called you and I have a purpose for you." 

Then this week, one of my loving, observant friends said, "Laura, do you think this might be anxiety-related?" I looked up from her tear-stained shoulder and said, "Really??" After that I noticed a trend. Yes, anxiety seems to be the problem and if I just RELAX I'm FINE. Why? Because anxiety can do weird things to you. Some solutions to anxiety? Coloring books, yoga, and trusting the Father like I'm supposed to. 

Second, I struggle with raising support--and we've already talked about this. I have a tendency to forget to ask the Father to bring in my support. Why? I want to do it by myself, which doesn't work. Finally, I reached the point where I realized I can't do it by myself. 

Huh. What a novel idea.

So I finally admitted to the Father that I couldn't do it by myself. Then something happened. People started contacting me, saying, "Hey, we want to support you." 

Say WHAT? I didn't have to grovel, or beg, or mow your lawn??? You say the Father told you to do it????

Which makes me see that He is 

Big

and I am

little.

Through it all, I'm being prepared for the next year, which is sure to be the hardest I've encountered thus far. Yes, I am anxious. Yes, I am not prepared. No, I cannot speak Chinese so don't ask me anymore if I can because itonlymakesmemorenervous. But He is BIG and I have a feeling that in the coming months He will only continue to get BIGGER to me.